Not continuing with my last post.

November 12, 2007

Just because I want to let out everything now.

 

I diagnose myself with Insomnia.  I have all the symptoms, and I don't know how to control it. I even want to consult a doctor actually. Its just really affecting me, physically, mentally and psychologically. I think its the answer to my constant headaches early in the morning and in the latter hours of school.

 I slept at around 1am. And I woke up before 6am. That's only 6 hours of sleep. I need 3 more. I don't know why I didn't notice this before. I just hope its not Chronic Insomnia. Who knows what will happen to me.

 

Suicidal? Just on the edge.

 

 

 

Kidding. Of course, I have thought of it, just thinking what life would be like for the people around me, but to actually do it, no. I've thought of jumping out of the window, just to feel the freedom and gravity take control and such, but never actually die.

 

Denmark. Oh gee, I really want to go back. Here's why:

 Here in the Philippines, I thought that I would go back to my old life, like how I lived when my father was still alive. I'd have everything I wanted and needed, and my voice would be heard. I would finally be happy and escape from discrimination.

I was wrong.

I got the complete opposite. I'd rather not go into details though, but, just think of the opposite of the paragraph above.

Now, my mother, I can't explain how she's changed. For the good, or bad?

Before, she was hard working, and would never miss a mass on Sundays, any Holiday, or even a rosary meeting. She would always find a way to help others and just give back to the community (church) that accepted us. All her hard work was for me, the only one left for her.

Now, she is like a work-a-holic. We barely talk. And everything she does doesn't seem like its for me anymore. I don't need millions and trillions of pesos to keep me happy, especially now. My world has turned upside down. I didn't just loose a father 7 years ago, but I lost a mother last year. I'm an orphan. I have trouble making ends meet, and all my worries have gone to my head, causing my insomnia, and I just hope it will not cause my heart to stop beating. 

Before, she would come home, with her hands bruised from the machines that she used to cut the glass at the factory, and still be able to fix me a plate of good food.

Now, I do all the cooking, sometimes, I end up undercooking or overooking the food. I'm a foodie, not a food-er.

My knee is hurting really bad, with every step, the pressure on my knees cause a sharp pain, causing me to limp with every walk.  

  Mama, will you ever be proud of me? I know Papa's looking over me, proud of every word, every step, and every breathe that I take today, but you, who is present, but whose eyes look elsewhere, claiming its all for me, seems to not take notice on my doings, on my accomplishments and failures.