It didn’t make me happy.

Well, I'm still on a quest to see what will make me happy. Since I haven't felt happy in a long time now.

The computer upgrade didn't make me happy for long, since the driver that the store gave me didn't work, which I will return tomorrow.

I didn't go to school today, since last night, I felt terrible, and went to sleep with my hair wet too. I was exhausted. I built a computer [okay, I just helped but still], walked 3km without stopping, and frantically searched for a video card, which I didn't get. I haven't eaten right since Friday, I don't eat any food, and when I do, I feel like I can throw it up any moment, which I almost did. 

"I'm hungry, but I don't know what to eat" and "When I eat, I wanna puke it."

 I barely slept last night, with my mum's snoring, so I kept twisting and turning, when my alarm clock buzzed, I moved to the sofa, and passed by a mirror, seeing my eye bags  much deeper than they really are, my eyes were red too, so I decided to sleep.

Tomorrow, I'll go to school. Right now, I'm just waiting for someone to go online so I could ask what the homeworks are. 

The Upgrade

I'll get an upgrade tomorrow, FOR SURE!

 Mum is okay with the price. The technician that upgraded my computer like 2 years ago will upgrade it again, I forgot his name though. He'll be here at 9am. Woah, then he'll check out the computer and we'll head to VirraMall in Greenhills to buy the crap by 10.30, since that is when they open.

Western Digital 160GB 7200RPM                         P 2,340.00  

Inno3D Geforce 6600LE 128mb DDR 64bit        P 3,590.00

Asus DRW-1814BL 18X Lightscribe                       P 1,770.00

PQI 1GB PC400 DDR                                                   P 2,180.00

                                                                                        __________

                                                                                            P 9880.00

John’s Birthday

I went to the pool a little before 6pm today, and no one was there, and it was dark and creepy, so I went back up. My mum told me that they were there, and with nothing to do anyway really, I went, although I had already taken a bath before I found out they were there, and i was squeaky clean in my shorts and shirt. So, I went there, just hoping to put my feet in the water, and enjoy the atmosphere. Eventually, I got pushed in by Revo, which I pulled along with me.

The people that were there were more of acquaintances, and some were schoolmates who lived in the building aswell. My batchmates [well, the boys, who I got to hang out longer with] were surprised there were so many of us Montessorians here in the building.

The party was not what I expected it to be, but since there were boys and older people anyway, it was expected. Uh, I won't tell it exactly, just do the math and you'll get the answer.

For around an hour, after we swam, some were sleepy, as they did some dirty deeds in front of me, not really affecting me since I was used to such a thing, I decided to just play it safe, since my mum was just downstairs.

It was fun anyway, although I didn't really get as comfortable as I am with my own group of friends or my cousins, but I still had fun, listening and laughing along to all the jokes and stories and gossip they had to say. I also payed attention to the little things, like Ate Mary Fe's dog, Rodney, and other stuff that I shouldn't really share.

Eventually, we all went to different units, and I was supposed to go to KTV with the others, although I didn't have a ride home and money. Instead, I stayed here, and bonded with Ate Hazel, which was much fun, since its great to have someone else to confide in. Yeah, I really liked this day, good thing I didn't miss out on the pool thing.

I don’t feel well anymore

I feel so… Off.

I don't know how to describe it. Its like I'm nervous, I can feel this funny feeling in my stomach, funny yet makes me uncomfortable. Its similar to anxiety and paranoia, although there's something different to it. Its a mix of every emotion I guess.

Its as if I can explode.

I don't feel like a kid anymore. I cook, I clean, I study, I do almost everything in this house but pay the bills.

During our time in the Computer Room during Lunch Break, we had an activity, where there was a paper on our backs with 2 columns, then we would write positive and negative things about each other. It was fun, yet I wanted more negative comments  

Its quarter to 9, and you're not home. Where are you? Yo u have my phone. I need white gulaman bars dammit. I'm making you go to the market early tomorrow and buy it for me.

 I need something or someone that will make me happy. The thing is, I don't know what. I know what makes me sad or mad though, so, I need the opposite?

There's just something about Fridays that I dread. I don't like Fridays. I wanna go to sleep. I wanna rest already. The mere fact of being in a place, where mixed noises are made. there are 4 walls around you, dirt on the floor, laughing, screaming, whispering, crying, shouting people. I've gone mental.

another NoBreakfast

Yeah, no breakfast again. I wake up, my mum is still in bed, I head over to the living room and watch the news to see any news on no classes today because of the typhoon Mina. I took a bath, looked again, says there is school but chances are there are no classes tomorrow. I was hoping for no classes today, but oh well. I gotta get ready for dramatization, a quiz in bio, and a quiz in math. So help me God.

I'm eating left over mash potato that I ordered last night from KFC. It's far from Finger Lickin Good. 

Ouch. Now my stomach doesn't feel good. Uh oh. Throw it up! Throw it up! Yeah, I wanna throw up, really bad. 

My face hurts.

Yeah, weird title, but its true. My face really hurts. I got an allergy attack, from make-up that Jessica applies on my cheeks- one of the worst place to put it too since then it will spread to my gums. Ouchies. I'm fully air conditioned but that doesn't help. Neither did the cold bath, cold water and tooth brushing. If it still hurts tomorrow, I don't wanna go to school, since it distracts me, the pain -oh the pain.

Free Rice. Sexy ain’t back since JT is a greedy manbitch.

freerice.com

I had fun doing this. Its a word game, and for every correct answer, you donate [correct me if I'm wrong] 10 grams of rice to people in need around the world. Today, I donated 240 grams of rice, and I plan to donate more every time I am online. Those who help support this are those who advertise on the site, companies like Apple, American Express, Fujitsu, Toshiba, and many more. Its a great idea, its very easy, so all those who have their eyes on computers often, should try this site. This is hosted by the World Food Program.

I plan to redesign my blog, with the theme of "Lampshade" inspired by Kashmir's song of the same title. 

JT decided to get his video of "SexyBack" that I uploaded, off the internet, just when I was about to reach 500,000 views. Dumb manbitch.

NoBreakfast

So its 6.51 am as I write this. No breakfast. I hate living in this dump, covered with ants and lizards, no order is found here.

YouTube took away my SexyBack video, whatever label Justin Timberlake is on, well, they demanded all his SexyBack videos to be removed. Wait, not just SexyBack, but all his music videos. DAMN YOU JT! Stoopid ass.

Not continuing with my last post.

Just because I want to let out everything now.

I diagnose myself with Insomnia.  I have all the symptoms, and I don't know how to control it. I even want to consult a doctor actually. Its just really affecting me, physically, mentally and psychologically. I think its the answer to my constant headaches early in the morning and in the latter hours of school.

 I slept at around 1am. And I woke up before 6am. That's only 6 hours of sleep. I need 3 more. I don't know why I didn't notice this before. I just hope its not Chronic Insomnia. Who knows what will happen to me.

Suicidal? Just on the edge.

Kidding. Of course, I have thought of it, just thinking what life would be like for the people around me, but to actually do it, no. I've thought of jumping out of the window, just to feel the freedom and gravity take control and such, but never actually die.

Denmark. Oh gee, I really want to go back. Here's why:

 Here in the Philippines, I thought that I would go back to my old life, like how I lived when my father was still alive. I'd have everything I wanted and needed, and my voice would be heard. I would finally be happy and escape from discrimination.

I was wrong.

I got the complete opposite. I'd rather not go into details though, but, just think of the opposite of the paragraph above.

Now, my mother, I can't explain how she's changed. For the good, or bad?

Before, she was hard working, and would never miss a mass on Sundays, any Holiday, or even a rosary meeting. She would always find a way to help others and just give back to the community (church) that accepted us. All her hard work was for me, the only one left for her.

Now, she is like a work-a-holic. We barely talk. And everything she does doesn't seem like its for me anymore. I don't need millions and trillions of pesos to keep me happy, especially now. My world has turned upside down. I didn't just loose a father 7 years ago, but I lost a mother last year. I'm an orphan. I have trouble making ends meet, and all my worries have gone to my head, causing my insomnia, and I just hope it will not cause my heart to stop beating. 

Before, she would come home, with her hands bruised from the machines that she used to cut the glass at the factory, and still be able to fix me a plate of good food.

Now, I do all the cooking, sometimes, I end up undercooking or overooking the food. I'm a foodie, not a food-er.

My knee is hurting really bad, with every step, the pressure on my knees cause a sharp pain, causing me to limp with every walk.  

  Mama, will you ever be proud of me? I know Papa's looking over me, proud of every word, every step, and every breathe that I take today, but you, who is present, but whose eyes look elsewhere, claiming its all for me, seems to not take notice on my doings, on my accomplishments and failures.

You’re just an ostrich with your head in the sand.

Lets pick off where I left.

 Wednesday, we had a mass, then since our English teacher was off to church for the practice of the freshman's confirmation, we were left with a seatwork I did in advanced. Well, at least half of it. In math, we reviewed factors and such, we had our PE/LT class, then Computer. I was there for around an hour until I noticed Anton roaming around outside, then he came into the room and excused me and Julia. So we practiced, along with Alyana and John from section C & D. It was fun.

Dismissed, went home, and then I saw the dress that my mum bought me. HIDEOUS! I don't like it, since the skirt was poofy and the top was a tube with a rose and you had to like shoelace tie it on the back. It was trendy, just for that reason I hated it.  So, I grabbed a couple thousand pesos from my hidden stash and bought one myself.

 That's what I wore instead. You can sorta see my tummy. But oh well, its better than that balloon.

And then, when I came home, I talked to my tita and we cried. Ahaha. Why? Well, that's our business.

dammit. ill continue some other time.